Live to Learn

[Lucky Denver]

Dear Casey,

We have not met as I am fairly new here, but I just want to let you know that you will be in my prayers.  Because you are not some robot behind a keyboard but appear to be what they call a human being, you are as good as a sibling in my eyes and in my heart.

I also just want to say that I feel like all you are going through is nothing less than spiritual.  Sometimes society teaches us to think of God as a man in the sky who "calls the shots" and "watches things happen".  Then when it comes to our dark times, the idea of a God like that only seems to make "him" seem like a truly spiteful confusing being, or a hunky dory fairy tale.

But the people who make it past those illusions realize that "God", the Creator of All, the Source of the Universe, is not making or watching us lose and hurt and cry.  This source is in all things.. God "is" in the lost loved one, God "is" the pain in our hearts, God "is" the tears rolling down our face.  We do not experience things because of or in spite of God.. God experiences things through *us*.

Sorry, I'm probably rambling and I don't want to "stir the pot" for you spiritually if that's not what you want to hear right now.. the most important thing is just to know I send sweetest thoughts and prayers your way.

[Jitendra Hy-do-u-no-us?]

Dear Casey,

But the people who make it past those illusions realize that "God", the Creator of All, the Source of the Universe, is not making or watching us lose and hurt and cry.  This source is in all things.. God "is" in the lost loved one, God "is" the pain in our hearts, God "is" the tears rolling down our face.  We do not experience things because of or in spite of God.. God experiences things through *us*.

Sorry, I'm probably rambling and I don't want to "stir the pot" for you spiritually if that's not what you want to hear right now.. the most important thing is just to know I send sweetest thoughts and prayers your way.

Lucky this bit of communication is incredibly insightful. It was appreciated by me and probably others as well.

Steve

[guest66]

Thank you, Lucky. I appreciate your warm wishes, and will carry them with me as I approach the darkest time. Every ?! moment can just come back at this time, and I'm not so good at dealing with it, even after nearly four years.

(@Steve/others: the odd midsentence punctuation is my attempt at censoring myself, avoiding using language which I don't feel is appropriate for such a sacred place.)

[yoshi]

(((Casey)))

[guest66]

(((Anne)))

Thank you.

This is madness. The closer it gets, the worse I seem to feel.

Casey

[yoshi]

_/\_  you are in my thoughts and prayers....asking for comfort .... <3<3<3

(((Hugs)))

[guest66]

Thank you, Anne.

Thank you all. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Casey

[Jitendra Hy-do-u-no-us?]

Thank you, Anne.

Thank you all. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Casey

Dear Casey quite often words scenes and sounds enter my head as if from nowhere. i have the choice of listening to them and remember seeing them or to shrug them off as just synapses firing in my head randomly that have no coherent purpose. i choose to see their significance as coming from a source of guidance within that i am grateful for and i do not ignore such inspirations; although i would not respond to situations and people if it were not for these 'guides' helping me along.

This phrase came in to my head as i awoke this morning; Selective Couplings.  u see i think that much suffering arises in us all because we become as if isolated in our relationships with others. We cut ourselves off from a network of helpful people when this happens. This is source of misery that results from such one pointed focus on selective couplings.

Looking at it in this context helps us view our separation from others as a blessing in disguise to help us expand our relationships to include others in our lives. God has a larger plan for us all though when we keep living in the sorrow of our past wounds we cut ourselves off from the expansion that lies before us.

Once when i was overcome by grief from the separation of a relationship a saint said to me that i needed to be careful because he had seen that look on convicts. You see i was a convict. A convict in a prison of my own sorrow. i laughed when he said it and it helped relieve the pain tremendously. Such are the blessings of being in the presence of a saint. When u take steps towards freedom from sorrow, God will meet u more than half way...

Jitendra

[guest66]

I like your line on emotional convict-dom, Jitendraji. It's such a difficult thing to get out of though, given that one has to fully experience the emotions which are holding him/her prisoner. For me, these have included a fiery anger, something which I normally do. not. do.

I'm still reeling from having received an email from my late friend's mother (the young woman who lived in TN) which gave a detailed description of the gravestone. There's nothing that makes it quite so final.

[flying squirrel]

hey Live to Learn ! 

Where you been ?

What you learning ?

your squirrelly friend is wondering

[guest66]

Thanks, squirrel.

Would seem that I'm learning just how low a human can get, thanks to swinging through some anger stuff related to my friend who died from complications relating to anorexia. Although I know she was in emotional pain, I don't see how that represents a way out. I suppose spiritually it's viewed in a similar way to suicide, but I'm not sure whether I care about that that much right now, I'm just so damn irritated that she threw it away....

Living, learning, trying to love at the same time, although some people make it difficult,

Thanks for your concern,

Casey

[flying squirrel]

hey Live to Learn 

good to see you back here ! 

sorry for all the emotional upheaval in your life

this may be difficult
but you need to let this go
sorry to be brief
not meaning to sound un - compassionate (is that a word ?)

there is nothing you can say or do now to change what happened
you cannot let this eat away at you
you must forgive her, forgive you
and let it go

keep her in your thoughts and prayers
you are in mine

your squirrelly friend 

[flying squirrel]

I'm just so damn irritated that she threw it away....

the anger needs to be dealt with
if you don't mind me being blunt ?

Let it all out
write her a letter, shout at her, cuss at her if you need to
get all the anger out

take the letter and burn it, bury it, flush it down the toilet !
LET IT GO

and you will feel much better
almost a guarantee....
can't say for sure as who would take a guarantee from a flying squirrel ?

[guest66]

Thanks, squirrel.

I've already written a letter, and am about to embark on trying to get a handle on it from an intellectual point of view. I know I can't change it, but I'd like to finally try and understand it. Every time I tried to before  coincided with some period of time where she was in hospital, when we all thought that 'this' was on the cards...don't know why I wasn't better prepared for it in that sense.

Suppose ours is not to wonder why, but I still find myself there.

Casey

[flying squirrel]

sometimes the reasons why
are not ours to know

difficult
but we must learn to accept

no matter how much we think we are ready
when the time comes for someone to leave us
we are never really ready

there will be sorrow
there will be pain
there will be questions why

and sometimes
even if we knew the answers
would it really make it any easier ?