Art thanks for spending so much time putting this post together! I remember reading this book-Art of Loving-as a teenager and it is such a wonderful reminder of youthful ideals!
Eric and Steve, it sounds like you have both opened up about this topic to even deeper truths on the matter!
I'm pretty sure that if I could be in a state of the highest Samadhi right now, I would see the deepest truth on this matter to be there is no truth other than Love which we all really are one as, regardless of how things may appear at any lower level of our senses or mind.
Dharmically, I am not totally seeing things from this place right now. I do mostly still see the world as a bunch of "separate stuff" most of the time, but I wanted to acknowledge what I consider to be the deeper truth while we all seem to be on the journey to uncovering truth from our unique perspectives and experiences. All is Love!
Here's an Erich Fromm quote to the effect of what you ended your last post with Steve: "If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to all others, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism." In my opinion, the greatest part of being in love with anyone is the way it makes you open up to the world more, to loving others in more ways, now being blessed with an exclusive, personal connection to a sacred, romantic union with another which perhaps few others have or have ever had. We are all connected, paying it forward is the way to continue to grow through the benefit of the gifts Universe has blessed us with, whether they be money, status, talent, a supportive romantic partner or many other things which help us to do our Dharma, our sacred work in the lifetime.
Of course many of the greatest masters will say all these "material blessings" are actually traps which may keep us from self-realization... I think there is truth in both perspectives, and personally, I like the Buddhist concept of following "the middle path" of Balance.
Those who turn a romantic bond into a "giant ego" which shuts itself from the world are not making the best use of their gifts, and may just be "in love" with whatever they are projecting onto the other. Such illusions fade with time, usually within a year or two, if not sooner. This is still a stage of learning though, and will probably help those two people along their way.
It sounds like we can all relate to a similar story, and we are different stages now in how we perceive the event of "rejection" or "abandonment" from someone who we trusted and were close to, or rather, how we have had great trouble letting go of our desires in the face of another's totally different desire. There are many sides to this and ways of looking at it.
I appreciate both of you sharing your realities, experiences and perspectives and hope me sharing mine has had some value to you as well.
Personally, I know that I have had trouble projecting both my inner demons and angels onto others, neither is helpful, and when I do this it really doesn't seem to matter much if the other person is there or on the Moon. I've been in relationships where I saw "the best" the other, even when they were not living up to this "best" at all. What I was actually seeing was who I wanted to be in them. I've experience unrequited love where this was also true, and once the other was gone, it was like I lost my "idol" to pray to, my connection to the divine. If only they were here, I could see their infinite beauty and through this feel whole... And when I finally got what I wanted and had felt separated from, it was the same illusion, just attached to a face, body and brain which kept me from SEEING THE ACTUAL PERSON I was spending so much time, money, thought, emotion, creativity and everything else I had to give on! This eventually made her or him feel more and more guilty, and eventually betray my trust in numerous ways... later apologizing, etc. most likely living their own projections of their internal hopes and fears through me! Ha! What mutual illusion! And yet so much of these times, the highs and lows, were so beautiful! I could write novels or films about them and people would love the stories, I know! However, these are stories of internal adventure, challenges and growth, surrounded by the obstacles and resolutions of great drama!
Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love.
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
If we are with someone who we are mostly projecting our internal, subconscious hopes, fears, ideals and shame onto, are we not alone even if we are right next to another body considered our partner?
Alone, or "together, alone" we are faced with ourselves. Sometimes, being with another in a similar place is very helpful for us to grow, even if it's just so we can have this realization of this great illusion we were both a part of!
Erich Fromm has many great quotes on what actual love is also...
“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.”
I think everyone comes into our life for a reason, and many times they may leave our lives for an even more powerful reason! First, so we can be alone and reflect on how we got here, as you say Eric, and second, to open up our lives so new people and experiences are able to enter, most likely even more inspiring (and perhaps more challenging) in the aid of our growth in Life!
I know of a guy who was not a good boyfriend. I'm quite sure he was abusive to his partner, at least verbally and emotionally, on a regular basis for years. She just recently broke up with him, and he is going through the depths of his own inner demons, and yet he insanely projects it all onto her! He posts online about how awful a person she is, all the the cruel things she did to him, etc. and then has repeatedly tried to kill himself different ways, and got arrested for drugs and drunk driving... just awful... such suffering.. jealousy, hate, anger... the cycle of growing up abused and projecting this onto others and oneself... These are some of the greatest ills of our society, and perhaps we have all been there, in one of our hundreds or thousands of earlier incarnations?
My prayer for all of us is to make the most of the experiences we are given by Universe at any point in time. It will one day go away, and new experiences will replace it.
I agree with you Eric, people who don't want to be pursued as friends or more than friends are best left to go where they want to go, for better or worse. I personally, always hope it is for the better, but I have lived long enough already to see both positive and negative outcomes to a "harsh separation." However, the negative outcome may have happened or even been worse if they had stayed! An in the end, what at first may appear to be "negative" (even if an early physical death) may just be a necessary stage in that soul's continued unfoldment?
I know the way we help and love starts with ourself. A healthy relationship, whether between friends, a romantic partner or business or group, is one where honesty and good communication are present, and where conscious decisions and promises are both made and kept courageously. When these things are violated or not present, there is no true relationship to speak of anyhow...
People with healthy, "perfect" childhoods with conscious, spiritually realizing parents are able to accept such arrivals and departures from life. People who were abused, abandoned, ignored, or just not given all that their needs as growing children demanded have more trouble with these things, and this, I guesstimate, would be 99.99% of us. Unfortunately, we do not live in anything close to a perfect, conscious world... we live in a Humanity which is still growing out of it's childish ways, which it may or may not live to see...
We do our best with what we have been given. Anthony Robbins says that the the most common personal belief of the most successful entrepreneurs of hundreds he interviewed is: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON WHICH SERVES US. So, the responsibility, regardless of our past is up to us! And when we rise to this challenge, I believe, we send ripples out to others and the whole Universe. When we give in to self-pity, anger, jealousy, or continuing a cycle of abuse done to us as children... we perpetuate the cycle of suffering.
Real Love and Awareness is how we can break free of these shackles, which may just be a necessary stage in the Evolution of Life at the current stage and sphere of Humanity on Earth (and other planets too)!
Here's two more quotes to end my response with. Thanks for reading! I love you! (:
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.”
― Erich Fromm
“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride."
- Bill Hicks
And more great quotes on Love by Erich Fromm can be found here:
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/8788.Erich_FrommI highly recommend his book, The Art of Loving.
