Hey Steve & friends, long time no see.
I like being able to share what is on my heart here, and maybe someone else will benefit from me sharing my personal, momentary truth and life experience.
I just wrote back the person who inspired me to write in this thread & forum to begin with. They've been texting/emailing me at "random" times the past 6 months, after ignoring me for a year, blocking/unblocking me on different websites, with no explanation.
I said "hi" and asked if she wanted to talk. I told her I don't expect her to want to talk, since she's mostly ignored me for years now (since we were truly "best friends" for a couple of months), and she knows how betrayed I've felt from her actions in the past and let down by her not keeping her word and then ignoring me for weeks, months years with no communication, etc. But the friendship was so strong and based in spiritual goodness, that I think if she opened her heart it could all be reconciled. Though, it is not my place to expect her to change or open anything. But I can still ask, knowing one day it will be too late to try, and our souls will have left their temporary vehicles...
I've done a lot of work on myself this year. Being unable to walk much, spending most of my time in the same room for over a year and a half now has shown me who my true friends and phony "friends" are/were. That is quite a gift in itself! I don't feel as hurt by those who've taken advantage of me, used or been abusive to me in this life, or those who simply abandoned me when I was in need, after I had been there for them, and likely still would be. I know my heart has not grown cold. I was able to figure out who hurt me that led me to a decades long string of damaged/mentally unbalanced and destructive relationships in this life between "friends" and girlfriends, most only lasting a week or two, then running away to do drugs, like meth or cocaine and often finding a very abusive relationship to be in, which hurt all the more to be aware of, and not able to help.
There's the karma. There are these beautiful, young souls who love my company for a short time, then leave (sometimes more or less dramatically). As I said in an earlier post, one of these girls I knew from high school died earlier this year from drugs and alcohol abuse, a decade after being very cruel to me with no apology. I forgave her long ago, but it's sad to see her die... even after following her dream in Hollywood and starting her own successful business... There's another girl who I knew from high school who seems good. Her boyfriend is sweet and loving, and probably a better fit for her than I was, but I was in love with her for a decade, and she always would contact me, message me, just enough to keep me "on a hook", I think, though it always felt like fate... the strange syncronicities or "meaningful coincidences" of the timing of when we would speak. She contacted me to hang out once, after years of no communication. The next day I read a myspace post she made at 4 in the morning about her boyfriend beating her up because she cut her wrist. I offered her a place to stay, to get away from him, but just by making that offer, I never really heard from her again, but we are friends on facebook and occasionally "like" each other's posts. She "liked" one very important, personal post I made publicly 2 or 3 years ago, and I think she's doing well with her boyfriend, who I think would never hurt her the way the last one did.
I could go on... I haven't had that many girlfriends in my life for someone my age, compared to most guys, and I've gone 5-7 years with no partner of any kind, but the ones I have been with, and the friendships I've had have impacted me more than any other events in my life, since I was 15 or 16. Losing this last close friend from my life had a more profound and ongoing effect of sadness and confusion on my mind and heart than my Dad passing away 10 years ago did. Maybe that is because my Dad and I had given each other all we had to give already, so it felt more graceful when he left. He lived with so much mental suffering before he died, passing felt to me like grace for him, to have a new chance in a new body. With this former "best friend", she left after a month where every day and week we grew closer, and went further with our creative and spiritual pursuits at the time. At the end of the month, she wrote one of the nicest, sweetest things anyone had ever written about me, publicly on her facebook wall. But then she deleted it a day later, and never expressed anything like that to me since, and since then she drifted further and further as a friend, said a few very hurtful things here and there. She told me she met a guy who she got along with a lot, a little over 2 years ago, and I told her that was awesome. She told me she might break up with him, because she was going to move away in a few months, and I told her I thought she should stick with it, because he made her happy. A month later she invited me to visit the two of them during Thanksgiving, but then she never replied after that, and when I called her phone or emailed she ignored me for months. The next time I talked to her was very different. She was mad I tried to call her so much, but I told her I didn't even know if she was alive or OK, and I thought it was very strange she invited me to hang out for Thanksgiving to meet her boyfriend, and then I didn't hear from her at all until after Christmas. I really didn't know if she was alive for that time, and couldn't imagine why she would invite me then ignore me. The next time we talked she told me it was her right to not talk if she didn't want to, that her boyfriend doesn't like that I tried to call her during that time and that she would rather not be friends with me then feel obligated to talk to me on any regular basis.
I do accept all of this now. Her disappearance exposed my greatest weakness, a fear of abandonment and betrayal from my closest friend. It wasn't the first time it had happened, but it was only the 2nd time it had happened in this way to me, and hurt even more than the 1st time 10 years earlier with a girl who was also my friend who I briefly lived with and more briefly had a romantic connection with. In both cases, the Mental and Spiritual connection was off the chart, we felt like we had been best friends in past lives, but also in both cases the physical and more animal-emotional connection wasn't very strong. I'm of the mind that if the spiritual connection is so strong, all else will follow, but I've seen far more girls who base their "falling in love" based on other things. I've also played the game of attracting girls with those "other things", but lost interest long ago in that path. I trust God will bring who into my life that will help each of us with our karmic unfoldment and dharmic fulfillment for the incarnation.
It's all Karma...
This post is already so long...
This Life has already had so many 11 out of 10 high points and the opposite...
All of it brings me closer to my true(r) self, and God... the oneness we all share.. We are all one...
When Amanda left me a decade ago, I cried one night after eating some mushrooms, smelling her clothes she left behind... seeing a Lion-Deity who I met in Hawaii telling me "We Are One", and then for an extended moment there my feeling of great loss, of having lost my "best friend" at the time was OK, because we were both reflections of the One/All. I cried such liberating tears in that extended moment, and sang a mantra that came to me which said "we are one."
***
My parents worked a lot when I was a child, pretty much all the time. So, on weekdays, when I was young, I would spend a lot of time with nannies. I spent more time with them than my very loving mother most weeks. They were psychologically and emotionally abusive to me, a young child in multiple ways. Luckily, they did not abuse me physically or sexually, but the abuse they inflicted on me when I was a helpless child has been a lifelong challenge for me to overcome. I realize now, these early in life experiences have "wired" me to be attracted to certain types of people, and conversely, I've put out some signal which other similar types have been attracted to me, even in ways that totally defy logic (i.e. "syncronicities").
One nannies was my "best friend" at a time when I was recovering from a serious leg injury, when I was about 8 years old. I just moved schools, lost all my friends except one, gained weight, couldn't play soccer (which I loved to do at my old school), and she helped me so much with her kindness. But then, one day she just disappeared, with no explanation. My Mom didn't tell me why then, I was too young to understand. It turns out she was only being nice to me to make herself "indispensable" to my parents, so she could demand a raise. Once my Mom realized the manipulative game she was playing, she couldn't trust her and let her go. She didn't want to tell me the truth then, afraid it would break my heart. But the truth was.. my heart was already broken. This nannie, Russie was her name, promised to be at a play I was in. That meant a lot to me in 4th grade. It meant everything at that time, the support of my closest friend, this adult who took care of me. She promised she'd be there, then she wasn't, and I never heard her even call to say goodbye. Recently, I found out she had some strange things about her I didn't know as a child. She ONLY ate meat.. and occasionally brussel sprouts. She had two daughters who were always in trouble, in unhealthy relationships. She had a difficult upbringing herself of some kind... This gave me more understanding to learn this in 2014, ~22 years later. Once I learned this, my heart chakra opened at 2:30 AM. I felt a vortex of emotions flowing out in front of my body. I felt my "hurt" from the most recent girl abandoning me, after a foot injury that kept me housebound, begin to lift like never before. I lied down to meditate, and go to sleep to let this change go through me. I reached for my phone to put it on silent, so I wouldn't be disturbed by an early or late call, and I saw I had just received a text, within 5 minutes of my heart chakra opening and learning all this new information about this nannie who had abandoned me at age 8. It was the girl who was my "best friend" who I had been missing, crying and suffering over her loss from my life for 2 years. She texted me for the first time in 11 months, letting me know she was "in town" at 3AM on Sunday night. Nothing much came of that. She blocked my number after sending me the text, and emailed me a week or two later "apologizing" for sending the text, and there's been a bit more random communications from her since, but never going as far as a phone call or sense of any desire to have a real conversation.
Finally, I'm OK with this. The Karma is Fading for me... I don't want to have a girlfriend or "friend" who would treat me so poorly. My nanny, who I loved deeply, abandoned me when I was 8. She was my best friend, and she treated me in a way that was totally selfish. She used me for what she wanted (money), and didn't care about my emotions or how it might effect me psychologically for her to disappear after being my best friend for 7 months or so.
Because of this event, my unconsciousness seems to have identified "damaged girl", "girl who might disappear" and "girl who doesn't care about my emotions or mental well being" as someone to fall in love with and even to find male and female friends like this, and to maybe "fix them" by being loving and supportive.
This is a play. Two archetypal roles that are as old as Humans have been around, probably much older still... Both roles, the guy and girl, have built in Karmic lessons to learn from such roles, and they will keep replaying the same roles in relationship and relationship throughout their life, or even multiple lifetimes.
"Get arrested, guess until they get the message" - Kanye West
Two or three months after this incredible 3AM synchronicity or "meaningful coincidence", I found a very powerful psychic healer kind of person, who psychically told me a lot of dates involving all of this, and re-programmed the reality from when I was 8 in a way, where I was not suffering. And since then, I have not felt the excruciating pain I felt every week by the abandonment of this "best friend". I'm afraid to write this, because I think it might jinx it somehow to say "I"m FREE!!", however.. it's been over 3 months since my meeting with the psychic one... and I have not felt that pain since, and I have had a newfound clarity about it all. I go days, weeks without even thinking about her now, and the deeper hurt from my childhood has been tempered and maybe totally replaced with understanding and acceptance, though I also now understand why it is so hard for a victim of child abuse to forgive their abuser. I want to forgive this nanny, but the innocence she took away from could not be replaced. I do love her as another reflection of God, but I don't know if I can truly forgive her at this time, honestly. Maybe I can now, but I didn't want to when I realized what she did to me, and how it effected me. I would never hurt a child like that or any other way. Well... maybe forgiveness is it's own Karma... I still have to work on this.
The last time I felt the great pain from she who most recently abandoned me in my time of need, I got a random email from her about a band to check out. She acted like nothing had happened between us, like she didn't let me down majorly as a friend, etc. It hurt a lot. That night I blocked her, and told her if she wants to try to be friends, she can call and we can talk, but that it feels disrespectful and kind of insane to act as if nothing has happened and engage in small talk about music. I told her my heart and mind are open if she wants to communicate on the phone or in person, and that I love her and wish her goodness and positive energy in her life.
That night was the last night I felt the excruciating pain. It was only one or two nights before my meeting with the psychic healer. I wanted to let go, but still felt the pain from my past. The pain of an innocent child being abandoned by the adult he trusted and thought was his best friend. I recorded a song that night, which I also named my latest album after, Karma Fading. It has all of the emotion and information in it's melodies and rhythms of this karma of mine fading back into the Ether. It has taught me a great lesson in this life already, and I now feel more ready than ever before to seek healthier, more supportive and truly loving relationships and friendships in the future.
Here is a link to the album:
https://soundcloud.com/daze-of-heaven/sets/karma-fadingThank you for reading and for being in this healing internet space. I hope you benefit from reading these words that come from my open heart, whoever you are.
LOVE, Light and Lucidity to you reflection of the D I V I N E !!!
(:
Art
