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Steve Hydonus
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« Reply #30 on: Apr 18, 2014 04:10 am »

It's not exactly right to say I "follow" the "teachings" of Neem Karoli Baba. For one thing, he didn't really give any teachings formally. His presence and who he was - was his teaching. He changed people by opening their hearts. His main advice was to constantly repeat the name "ram". The activities at his ashram are traditional hindu rituals like chanting the hanuman chalisa, aarti and puja and serving prasad.

Thanks Brock

It reminds me of my long stay at a Vedanta monastery. Most of the same type of activities. I did get up early in the mornings and meditated with a monk and went to a meditation class they had on Thursdays. I am grateful for that time well spent. It brings back good memories.

Jitendra
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« Reply #31 on: Apr 18, 2014 11:49 am »

Love

How do we know we are in love? How do we find love? Is love between humans only temporary? How many of you have experienced love?

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« Reply #32 on: Apr 20, 2014 04:29 am »

Much to digest here. i believe that often our mind puts pictures together about people who come in our life and they are not always accurate. However your secrecy about who you are, where you live, what your sex is and your interests makes things difficult for others especially when you divulge so much emotional background. Without being judgemental I will venture to say that it is a very unusual way of getting to know someone. It leaves me feeling somewhat anxious yet uncertain how to respond.
I do appreciate your telling me you do not know me but still i have this feeling that somehow i do know you. It is not that i do not trust you it is just are definition of knowing one another may not be entirely the same.

Jitendra

My apologies Steve.  My intention was not to make you confused or anxious about how to respond.  I'm male, I live in Austin, my name is Art, I was invited here by Eric about a year ago.
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« Reply #33 on: Apr 21, 2014 03:14 am »

Thanks Art

It seems that our recent past is similar in many ways. It appears that is what I was honing in on.


Steve
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« Reply #34 on: Apr 21, 2014 04:58 am »

It's hard to let go the past, Art.
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« Reply #35 on: Apr 23, 2014 01:47 am »

It's hard to let go the past, Art.

It is also quite difficult to understand in many ways. People who have professed love and friendship to us who find other romantic ventures. Can we in fact say that they know Love when they have turned their back on those that they have loved in the past? We begin to understand the shallowness of their definition of love.
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« Reply #36 on: Apr 25, 2014 05:53 am »

Yes brock, I agree.

And Steve, perhaps.  I suppose actions speak louder than words, especially when that word is "Love" or "friend," and yet, the place from which those word were spoken still resonates it's echo within me in a profound way, which has both empowered me and challenged me greatly, in equal measure perhaps, in my creativity, confidence and spiritual focus.

Many spiritual teachings use some version of the "alchemy metaphor" and some say this was the true meaning of alchemy.  That "base emotions, thoughts and energies" were the fuel of the alchemist to transmute into the spiritual "gold" of greater awareness. 

I feel those things which have challenged me the most are also great sources of energy for me to transmute into beautiful creations and greater awareness, when I don't focus on the negative vibration of these things "anger, betrayal, sadness, bitterness, loss, etc." but rather use their energy to propel me to focus even more on a truer Love.

Easier said than done, but this is the blessing in suffering that I see.

Also, I wonder about what may happen in this life, because of things I've done in past lives, and even mistakes in this one...  Ram Dass says "our Karma is our Dharma," which makes sense to me.  I want to own all the things others have done to me, and own my responses to them, and learn from all of this, so I can make healthier decisions of who to trust and how much in the future, among other things I can learn from these Sacred Life Events.

111
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« Reply #37 on: Apr 27, 2014 09:28 pm »

Hello there are a couple of responses I would like to give to this beautiful post (part of it I have included below) that does find some reflection in our own life encounters. I find it interesting that there are those who come into our life that we have shared previous unresolved karmic conditions with. It may take sometime but eventually we find that their definition of love is much different then our own. They may eventually lay down their cards in our encounters with them and we have no choice but to play them.

In this venture we find that they have not spiritually evolved enough to embrace our understanding of love. They may even do hurtful things and may not care to rectify mistakes made. They may not want to speak about it or resolve the issues. It becomes difficult to realize that we may be involved with those who are not able to have completely healthy and spiritual relationships. Relationships that limit their expression and confine love to a very narrow definition. I find much reassurance in the fact that our attempts to love and be loving still have their repercussions in sympathetic souls who continue to affirm a higher, more inclusive and expanding understanding of love.



The loss of love has been something which has challenged and guided me my whole life.  Every person I've ever been close to, other than family, has stayed a time, exchanged beautiful, deep energies and ideas with me, and then left (usually the deeper and stronger the exchange the shorter the visit...

I think this is a wavelength (needing to fix/help someone) I am growing out of.  I still love everyone I've loved with all my heart and want to remain open to their spiritual unfoldment, awakening, but to remain heartbroken by betrayal of friendship or hurt by any other mean action by another is not a very useful emotion to remain focused on.  I'm focusing on my own future, my own endeavors, my own spiritual unfoldment.  I know, the best way to truly help others is to just be oneself.  And, I know the "brief" intersection between myself and anyone else, where a deep friendship was formed and great heights were experienced together has a value which must continue to ripple, regardless of what comes after.

I've heard and/or seen from many of those I've been closest to that they "hurt those closest to them."  Whenever I feel I may have hurt or ignored someone close to me, I seek resolution and healing very quickly and have found great frustration and suffering when the other party does not want to speak or resolve a problem. 

I don't feel much emotional suffering now.  I'm focused on positive creation and personal growth, and always Love in the ways it currently manifests in my life.  You are right, friendship is a blessing.

I don't want to identify myself in my mind as a "victim" of someone saying mean things to me or letting me down in a big way or not being there for me.  I want to let go of all negative feelings like that and focus on love, forgiveness and gratitude for everything I have to be grateful for!

Perhaps this thread is about other things now.  To bring it back to topic...

I think Love IS forgiveness and gratitude, and without these two things deeper Love cannot be known.

I find the teachings of Neem Karoli Baba on Love and the Heart to be very insightful and to resonate as True with me.  He says it is best to not "close your heart" to anyone, including those who have caused me or others suffering, but I think it is a good idea to let go and stay away from such people, unless they sincerely want to reconnect, speak.

My injury is a beautiful experience.  At one point, one night months ago, I thought I might not survive or have done irreparable damage to myself from the "medicine" the doctor prescribed me.  In these moments of the greatest pain my body had ever felt, when I thought I might be leaving my body and my friends came to help me, I thought of the one who I considered my "best friend" who told me I was her best friend and that we would always be friends, I realized if she would not talk to me when I thought I might be dying, there is no good reason for that, so heartbreaking.  Though I survived and am now on the way to full recovery, it almost feels as though the one I had been closest to in this incarnation has died, and I've been grieving for a long time.

I now realize this is only one way to view things.  My injury is a beautiful experience and my suffering the greatest lesson, to help me know what I must let go of the most to help myself and others in this Life, which is my true goal.  I want to help this world, and I know it is an illusion to think I must have any certain individual or group of people remain close or at all in my life to do my work, to help others and to continue my own spiritual unfoldment.

I hope others can see some reflection of themselves through my words, they are honest and sincere from my own own perspective, though I know much of what they describe could also be called "illusions" or "false love."  This is what I am trying to let go of, false love and illusions, which I think my injury has given me much encouragement to do so.  Coming "close to death" has led to me re-evaluating my life deeper than ever before, and want to be fearless with my honesty about myself and towards others in any way which I think may help them. 

I think Love is letting go of all ideas of Love, and false love and illusions along with it, and opening up to the greater, infinite reality of what Love is.

I think we are Love, in our truest definition of who we are and what binds us.  God is Love.  All is Love.  We are a reflection of God.  We are Love.

Much Love

Namaste
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« Reply #38 on: Apr 28, 2014 05:10 am »

Yes brock, I agree.

And Steve, perhaps.  I suppose actions speak louder than words, especially when that word is "Love" or "friend," and yet, the place from which those word were spoken still resonates it's echo within me in a profound way, which has both empowered me and challenged me greatly, in equal measure perhaps, in my creativity, confidence and spiritual focus.

Many spiritual teachings use some version of the "alchemy metaphor" and some say this was the true meaning of alchemy.  That "base emotions, thoughts and energies" were the fuel of the alchemist to transmute into the spiritual "gold" of greater awareness. 

I feel those things which have challenged me the most are also great sources of energy for me to transmute into beautiful creations and greater awareness, when I don't focus on the negative vibration of these things "anger, betrayal, sadness, bitterness, loss, etc." but rather use their energy to propel me to focus even more on a truer Love.

Easier said than done, but this is the blessing in suffering that I see.

Also, I wonder about what may happen in this life, because of things I've done in past lives, and even mistakes in this one...  Ram Dass says "our Karma is our Dharma," which makes sense to me.  I want to own all the things others have done to me, and own my responses to them, and learn from all of this, so I can make healthier decisions of who to trust and how much in the future, among other things I can learn from these Sacred Life Events.

111

It is easy to wish that others would behave perfectly toward you, and it is easy to see their faults, but is very difficult to conduct oneself properly and to consider dispassionately one's own faults. If a person consistently behaves rightly, others will try to follow his example. One who can assess his own faults without developing an inferiority complex, and who keeps busy correcting himself, is using his time more profitably than if he spent it just in wishing others to be better. One's own good example will do more to change others than all his wishing, righteous wrath, or words.

P.Y.
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« Reply #39 on: Apr 28, 2014 05:48 am »

Yes Steve.  I agree.

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« Reply #40 on: Sep 04, 2014 12:38 pm »

"Be like the honeybee
who gathers only nectar
wherever it goes. Seek
the goodness that is
found in everyone." ~ Amma

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« Reply #41 on: Dec 08, 2014 11:50 pm »

Hey Steve & friends, long time no see.

I like being able to share what is on my heart here, and maybe someone else will benefit from me sharing my personal, momentary truth and life experience.

I just wrote back the person who inspired me to write in this thread & forum to begin with.  They've been texting/emailing me at "random" times the past 6 months, after ignoring me for a year, blocking/unblocking me on different websites, with no explanation.

I said "hi" and asked if she wanted to talk.  I told her I don't expect her to want to talk, since she's mostly ignored me for years now (since we were truly "best friends" for a couple of months), and she knows how betrayed I've felt from her actions in the past and let down by her not keeping her word and then ignoring me for weeks, months years with no communication, etc.  But the friendship was so strong and based in spiritual goodness, that I think if she opened her heart it could all be reconciled.  Though, it is not my place to expect her to change or open anything.  But I can still ask, knowing one day it will be too late to try, and our souls will have left their temporary vehicles...

I've done a lot of work on myself this year.  Being unable to walk much, spending most of my time in the same room for over a year and a half now has shown me who my true friends and phony "friends" are/were.  That is quite a gift in itself!  I don't feel as hurt by those who've taken advantage of me, used or been abusive to me in this life, or those who simply abandoned me when I was in need, after I had been there for them, and likely still would be.  I know my heart has not grown cold.  I was able to figure out who hurt me that led me to a decades long string of damaged/mentally unbalanced and destructive relationships in this life between "friends" and girlfriends, most only lasting a week or two, then running away to do drugs, like meth or cocaine and often finding a very abusive relationship to be in, which hurt all the more to be aware of, and not able to help.

There's the karma.  There are these beautiful, young souls who love my company for a short time, then leave (sometimes more or less dramatically).  As I said in an earlier post, one of these girls I knew from high school died earlier this year from drugs and alcohol abuse, a decade after being very cruel to me with no apology.  I forgave her long ago, but it's sad to see her die... even after following her dream in Hollywood and starting her own successful business...  There's another girl who I knew from high school who seems good.  Her boyfriend is sweet and loving, and probably a better fit for her than I was, but I was in love with her for a decade, and she always would contact me, message me, just enough to keep me "on a hook", I think, though it always felt like fate... the strange syncronicities or "meaningful coincidences" of the timing of when we would speak.  She contacted me to hang out once, after years of no communication.  The next day I read a myspace post she made at 4 in the morning about her boyfriend beating her up because she cut her wrist.  I offered her a place to stay, to get away from him, but just by making that offer, I never really heard from her again, but we are friends on facebook and occasionally "like" each other's posts.  She "liked" one very important, personal post I made publicly 2 or 3 years ago, and I think she's doing well with her boyfriend, who I think would never hurt her the way the last one did.

I could go on... I haven't had that many girlfriends in my life for someone my age, compared to most guys, and I've gone 5-7 years with no partner of any kind, but the ones I have been with, and the friendships I've had have impacted me more than any other events in my life, since I was 15 or 16.  Losing this last close friend from my life had a more profound and ongoing effect of sadness and confusion on my mind and heart than my Dad passing away 10 years ago did.  Maybe that is because my Dad and I had given each other all we had to give already, so it felt more graceful when he left.  He lived with so much mental suffering before he died, passing felt to me like grace for him, to have a new chance in a new body.  With this former "best friend", she left after a month where every day and week we grew closer, and went further with our creative and spiritual pursuits at the time.  At the end of the month, she wrote one of the nicest, sweetest things anyone had ever written about me, publicly on her facebook wall.  But then she deleted it a day later, and never expressed anything like that to me since, and since then she drifted further and further as a friend, said a few very hurtful things here and there.  She told me she met a guy who she got along with a lot, a little over 2 years ago, and I told her that was awesome.  She told me she might break up with him, because she was going to move away in a few months, and I told her I thought she should stick with it, because he made her happy.  A month later she invited me to visit the two of them during Thanksgiving, but then she never replied after that, and when I called her phone or emailed she ignored me for months.  The next time I talked to her was very different.  She was mad I tried to call her so much, but I told her I didn't even know if she was alive or OK, and I thought it was very strange she invited me to hang out for Thanksgiving to meet her boyfriend, and then I didn't hear from her at all until after Christmas.  I really didn't know if she was alive for that time, and couldn't imagine why she would invite me then ignore me.  The next time we talked she told me it was her right to not talk if she didn't want to, that her boyfriend doesn't like that I tried to call her during that time and that she would rather not be friends with me then feel obligated to talk to me on any regular basis. 

I do accept all of this now.  Her disappearance exposed my greatest weakness, a fear of abandonment and betrayal from my closest friend.  It wasn't the first time it had happened, but it was only the 2nd time it had happened in this way to me, and hurt even more than the 1st time 10 years earlier with a girl who was also my friend who I briefly lived with and more briefly had a romantic connection with.  In both cases, the Mental and Spiritual connection was off the chart, we felt like we had been best friends in past lives, but also in both cases the physical and more animal-emotional connection wasn't very strong.  I'm of the mind that if the spiritual connection is so strong, all else will follow, but I've seen far more girls who base their "falling in love" based on other things.  I've also played the game of attracting girls with those "other things", but lost interest long ago in that path.  I trust God will bring who into my life that will help each of us with our karmic unfoldment and dharmic fulfillment for the incarnation.

It's all Karma...
This post is already so long...
This Life has already had so many 11 out of 10 high points and the opposite...

All of it brings me closer to my true(r) self, and God... the oneness we all share..  We are all one...

When Amanda left me a decade ago, I cried one night after eating some mushrooms, smelling her clothes she left behind... seeing a Lion-Deity who I met in Hawaii telling me "We Are One", and then for an extended moment there my feeling of great loss, of having lost my "best friend" at the time was OK, because we were both reflections of the One/All.  I cried such liberating tears in that extended moment, and sang a mantra that came to me which said "we are one."

***

My parents worked a lot when I was a child, pretty much all the time.  So, on weekdays, when I was young, I would spend a lot of time with nannies.  I spent more time with them than my very loving mother most weeks.  They were psychologically and emotionally abusive to me, a young child in multiple ways.  Luckily, they did not abuse me physically or sexually, but the abuse they inflicted on me when I was a helpless child has been a lifelong challenge for me to overcome.  I realize now, these early in life experiences have "wired" me to be attracted to certain types of people, and conversely, I've put out some signal which other similar types have been attracted to me, even in ways that totally defy logic (i.e. "syncronicities"). 

One nannies was my "best friend" at a time when I was recovering from a serious leg injury, when I was about 8 years old.  I just moved schools, lost all my friends except one, gained weight, couldn't play soccer (which I loved to do at my old school), and she helped me so much with her kindness.  But then, one day she just disappeared, with no explanation.  My Mom didn't tell me why then, I was too young to understand.  It turns out she was only being nice to me to make herself "indispensable" to my parents, so she could demand a raise.  Once my Mom realized the manipulative game she was playing, she couldn't trust her and let her go.  She didn't want to tell me the truth then, afraid it would break my heart.  But the truth was.. my heart was already broken.  This nannie, Russie was her name, promised to be at a play I was in.  That meant a lot to me in 4th grade.  It meant everything at that time, the support of my closest friend, this adult who took care of me.  She promised she'd be there, then she wasn't, and I never heard her even call to say goodbye.  Recently, I found out she had some strange things about her I didn't know as a child.  She ONLY ate meat.. and occasionally brussel sprouts.  She had two daughters who were always in trouble, in unhealthy relationships.  She had a difficult upbringing herself of some kind...  This gave me more understanding to learn this in 2014, ~22 years later.  Once I learned this, my heart chakra opened at 2:30 AM.  I felt a vortex of emotions flowing out in front of my body.  I felt my "hurt" from the most recent girl abandoning me, after a foot injury that kept me housebound, begin to lift like never before.  I lied down to meditate, and go to sleep to let this change go through me.  I reached for my phone to put it on silent, so I wouldn't be disturbed by an early or late call, and I saw I had just received a text, within 5 minutes of my heart chakra opening and learning all this new information about this nannie who had abandoned me at age 8.  It was the girl who was my "best friend" who I had been missing, crying and suffering over her loss from my life for 2 years.  She texted me for the first time in 11 months, letting me know she was "in town" at 3AM on Sunday night.  Nothing much came of that.  She blocked my number after sending me the text, and emailed me a week or two later "apologizing" for sending the text, and there's been a bit more random communications from her since, but never going as far as a phone call or sense of any desire to have a real conversation.

Finally, I'm OK with this.  The Karma is Fading for me...  I don't want to have a girlfriend or "friend" who would treat me so poorly.  My nanny, who I loved deeply, abandoned me when I was 8.  She was my best friend, and she treated me in a way that was totally selfish.  She used me for what she wanted (money), and didn't care about my emotions or how it might effect me psychologically for her to disappear after being my best friend for 7 months or so. 

Because of this event, my unconsciousness seems to have identified "damaged girl", "girl who might disappear" and "girl who doesn't care about my emotions or mental well being" as someone to fall in love with and even to find male and female friends like this, and to maybe "fix them" by being loving and supportive. 

This is a play.  Two archetypal roles that are as old as Humans have been around, probably much older still...  Both roles, the guy and girl, have built in Karmic lessons to learn from such roles, and they will keep replaying the same roles in relationship and relationship throughout their life, or even multiple lifetimes.

"Get arrested, guess until they get the message" - Kanye West

Two or three months after this incredible 3AM synchronicity or "meaningful coincidence", I found a very powerful psychic healer kind of person, who psychically told me a lot of dates involving all of this, and re-programmed the reality from when I was 8 in a way, where I was not suffering.  And since then, I have not felt the excruciating pain I felt every week by the abandonment of this "best friend".  I'm afraid to write this, because I think it might jinx it somehow to say "I"m FREE!!", however.. it's been over 3 months since my meeting with the psychic one... and I have not felt that pain since, and I have had a newfound clarity about it all.  I go days, weeks without even thinking about her now, and the deeper hurt from my childhood has been tempered and maybe totally replaced with understanding and acceptance, though I also now understand why it is so hard for a victim of child abuse to forgive their abuser.  I want to forgive this nanny, but the innocence she took away from could not be replaced.  I do love her as another reflection of God, but I don't know if I can truly forgive her at this time, honestly.  Maybe I can now, but I didn't want to when I realized what she did to me, and how it effected me.  I would never hurt a child like that or any other way.  Well... maybe forgiveness is it's own Karma...  I still have to work on this.

The last time I felt the great pain from she who most recently abandoned me in my time of need, I got a random email from her about a band to check out.  She acted like nothing had happened between us, like she didn't let me down majorly as a friend, etc.  It hurt a lot.  That night I blocked her, and told her if she wants to try to be friends, she can call and we can talk, but that it feels disrespectful and kind of insane to act as if nothing has happened and engage in small talk about music.  I told her my heart and mind are open if she wants to communicate on the phone or in person, and that I love her and wish her goodness and positive energy in her life.

That night was the last night I felt the excruciating pain.  It was only one or two nights before my meeting with the psychic healer.  I wanted to let go, but still felt the pain from my past.  The pain of an innocent child being abandoned by the adult he trusted and thought was his best friend.  I recorded a song that night, which I also named my latest album after, Karma Fading.  It has all of the emotion and information in it's melodies and rhythms of this karma of mine fading back into the Ether.  It has taught me a great lesson in this life already, and I now feel more ready than ever before to seek healthier, more supportive and truly loving relationships and friendships in the future.

Here is a link to the album: https://soundcloud.com/daze-of-heaven/sets/karma-fading

Thank you for reading and for being in this healing internet space.  I hope you benefit from reading these words that come from my open heart, whoever you are.


LOVE, Light and Lucidity to you reflection of the D I V I N E !!!

(:

Art
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« Reply #42 on: Dec 14, 2014 03:19 pm »

Art

i have just started to delve into your account of relationships. I intend on commenting and sharing with u... if u don't mind. One of the things I have learned that came as quite a surprise to me is that u can b very close with someone and they can really turn on u and abandon u if they find another 'flame' for a while. It was literally amazing to me that I could be accused of 'stalking' someone that was separated by such a distance that it was inconceivable i would even b near. Yet in today's world  the word is used quite indiscriminately to include communicating and continuing to b friendly. What i have learned from the situation is how we can b so wrong about other people. Many people disolve into the frame work of their own personal agendas and do not have the capacity to expand their personal lives to include a larger spiritual family. Instead they fall back into a very limited personal ego existence.

i responded to u in this way because I see that among the lasting friends and lovers u have met some rather flaky people in your encounters. Many or most people simply disappear when challenges in relationships arise. This I can accept out of most people who have no real conception of spiritual development but out of people who are openly professing a spiritual path?
It becomes a contradiction in terms.

It has been difficult for me to admit but I have not always chose friends who were true friends. I believe it is important for me to realize that among the many wonderful people who have come in my life there are also a few who were never the right choices and who actually betrayed friendship. It is O.K. if someone can truly apologize and recognize this but many people do not even have remorse only justification and rationalization.

Hope this has put a lite on some of your encounters. It is only one persons observation based on a personal experiences of my own. It was nice of you to share with us Art. I intend on reading your post much more....
« Last Edit: Dec 15, 2014 11:46 pm by Steve Hydonus » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #43 on: Dec 15, 2014 11:00 am »

Love never dies. It just changes. It is not static but we as humans often make it that way. We believe it to be in a form or in a person. In this way we trap it. But it constantly has the need to expand and grow. In this way the objects we have seen representing love are only doing it relatively. We soon must expand our realization and understanding of love. If this means having love, represented in human form, taken from us then that will happen. Quite often it is out of our power to control our notion of loving.

People that need to force love by controlling our relationships with those around us loose love. Love is not just between two people. This also can easily become an ego trip. e.g. My fiancee or my wife or husband. Love is a process. Many people are conditioned by society and somehow feel they can circumscribe love to a single relationship. In the process they exclude other people and limit loves growth turning it into another ego trip. It is ever growing and expanding. We are only a witness of it happening in our lives.
« Last Edit: Dec 15, 2014 02:13 pm by Steve Hydonus » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #44 on: Dec 20, 2014 01:36 pm »

Art i have found your posts rather lengthy and infrequent. So when they do appear they require a longer period of digestion and different installments if one wants to respond. This is just an observation. Your personality lends itself to spurts and then periods of reticence.

The 'relationship' that u have discussed strikes me as one in which someone does not have the ability to express her feelings or lack of feelings for u. It would b better for this person to respond to your concerns but obviously we can not force people to respond in like manner. It has been my experience to recognize that such people are much different than I might have thought and therefore recognized that i made an error in judgement about what I thought of the person.

It is often difficult but we eventually discover the true colors of those around us. Some people become more than we thought others less. I am grateful to find some people around me have often re-entered my life and shown the enduring nature of friendship. We also may find that there r those we have met who no longer serve our 'needs' nor can we satisfy theirs. Some people r very inept at gracefully recognizing this and expressing it in a friendly manner or at least a civil manner.
« Last Edit: Dec 20, 2014 01:59 pm by Steve Hydonus » Report Spam   Logged

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