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reflecting on my last relationship


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« on: Feb 06, 2018 03:04 am »

well, i am using this space to reflect on my previous relationship. i understand this being a public domain i am open to critique and willing to discuss your opinions should you wish to chime in. thank you for creating a forum where we can post our thoughts and reflect freely. i suppose i should be less vague, since by saying relationships that can mean anything. i am reflecting on my recent "boyfriend/girlfriend" experience...

i had a dream once she'd break up with me. i remember being in the clouds, i think i hugged her goodbye before witnessing her and her friends standing on a glass ceiling above me, socializing(this was before i met any of her friends). in the dream, i don't think she noticed me and after that i woke up with a knowing we'd eventually separate. i think it had something to do with her music or life path too. maybe it means she's on a higher path than me... i shared this with her once but not much was said. i had even forgotten about this dream at one point. i had also forgotten our genuine moments too. like the early stages of our relationship, where even the universe seemed to encourage our coming together and the innocence of kindled hearts cast out the shadows that eventually returned and consumed us. our relationship deteriorated quickly. it wasn't a healthy partnership at all. now, looking back, i see how different we were-we had similarities too but i see how we weren't good for each other. i think she was the beloved and i was the hopeless lover(it being my first real relationship).

i remember when she wanted to break things off early on, maybe i should have agreed... but i didn't. i was swept by love which had become an illusion after i asked we continue to try. twice she tried to break up with me. by the second attempt, the third and final attempt was swift. at this point, it needed to happen. she cheated on me. it wasn't until the second maybe third time she cheated on me that she'd finally felt detached enough to have the courage to move out and move on. the first time she cheated i hadn't a clue but i knew in the early stages of our relationship how she liked a secret life(living out desires she'd keep from certain people) so the writing was on the wall.. i always had deep pain and fear of being cheated on but when i became privy to this fact i didn't feel as hurt as i thought i would(maybe because i already knew). i was more bothered by the lack of communication. maybe we could still be friends had i the patience and her the courage to discuss our selves and feelings openly, in a less agitated environment... there was a terrible discord in communication.
while she had a good intuition to most of my personality, there were assessments made about my character that i know to be untrue. that isn't to say we were both without flaw, especially being the young adults that we were(still are). i am still saddened that she was afraid to be authentic around me, that i lost the ability to share the genuine aspects of our truer nature or feel a sense of reciprocation. there was no more passion... i don't remember if we ever had passion. sex was terrible for both of us. at times i wish i tried harder to satisfy her but it takes two to tango- huh? i remember when she told me she was no longer attracted to me. perhaps by then she was already exploring her desires elsewhere.
i looked back at photo's taken after our years of being together... her hand blocked the camera or, she wore sunglasses so you couldn't see her eyes... there was no more smiling, and she was looking away from me.

even now she still tries to hide aspects of her life from me, at this point i am okay with it. i almost feel silly for pleading to maintain the friendship, something she offered upon our departure... however, i think because she tried to hide the fact that she cheated on me it would make her uncomfortable if i saw how soon she had publicly announced her new relationship after our breaking up. well... things happened the way they did. while i am worried of being cheated on again, i hope to go into any new relationship with just as open and dedicated of a heart that i know was once there... 'better to have loved and loss than to have never of loved at all?' this relationship was definitely a lesson. the darker aspects seem to outweigh whatever connection we once shared and have already placed obstacles in my path(evident in my lack of pursuits upon meeting a lovely lady)...i know things are beginning to heal though... and i know what to look for in the next pursuit.

while we were no good at being lovers, my heart still thinks of her and cares almost an entire year after the fact(i thought we'd make beautiful babies together) and while i may be just a ghost to her, a bad relationship ready to leave the brinks of her conscious sometimes i hope she still thinks of me, holds a love for me that her new partner can't replace. i can never see us getting back together but maybe one day- friendship would be considered... as of now that was denied by the one who proposed it... still to much fear and maybe emotions(?) while i shouldn't look at it as sad to have dedicated so much time and energy i do when i'm to be then cast out with the hopes of being forgotten. ah but this is a lesson for sure. there's still much unsettled after it all.
« Last Edit: Feb 06, 2018 03:17 am by Red » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #1 on: Feb 06, 2018 07:24 am »

Perhaps itís okay to be forgotten, should the opportunity to love another arise...
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« Reply #2 on: Feb 06, 2018 08:49 am »

What I mean is an egoic death. A shedding of the self and any expectations during a relationship.íwe had a moment to share, thatís all that matters. And so it is, wherever you are... whomever you cross... that love doesnít need more to it.. so to be forgotten may be ok
had I the opportunity to be of service and the glory of experiencing something once in a purer form... so with or without her, I hope to carry this realization and love for the sake of loving...
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« Reply #3 on: Feb 06, 2018 12:15 pm »

Thanks for sharing in public. I think it is a reminder to most all of us and what we too have experienced at some level at sometime in our lives.
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« Reply #4 on: Feb 06, 2018 09:25 pm »

There were many factors that deteriorated our relationship and I think living together made things less special and caused her to feel stuck as well. Well, as you have said many experience similar- live and learn I suppose.
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« Reply #5 on: Feb 07, 2018 04:23 pm »

There were many factors that deteriorated our relationship and I think living together made things less special and caused her to feel stuck as well. Well, as you have said many experience similar- live and learn I suppose.

I think the cause of the dissolving nature of relationships is quite often, if not mostly, because of a lack of common interests. People stay together because of physical attraction for a time. Although it is very difficult to maintain relationships that have no common spiritual affinities....and it is usually self defeating. When people are younger souls they do not always understand the spiritual questions, experiences and aspirations of older souls. As a consequence, they are often taken from our lives so that we can progress without their hindering energy. This does not preclude the fact that we have feelings for them. But often we find they themselves do not carry lasting affections and lack a development of the heart chakra.
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« Reply #6 on: Feb 07, 2018 06:10 pm »

Interesting. she always had/has a strong beautiful heart, one reason I was so drawn in. after having the space to discuss Iím feeling even more okay with things happening the way they did. My health is returning, she is happy. People need time to themselves and to pursue their own interest. By the time our relationship went sour we were both being pulled away from our own, happier expressions and desires. Some things she wanted for me were also things I wanted for myself but at the time let the stress from my job and our then miserable relationship get in the way and became stagnant residing in lower expressions which only aided in propelling us apart. Once things started to dull dark aspects were brought out of both of us. I know I got work to do on myself, perhaps a strengthening of this heart chakra- patience, temperance and forgiveness. I was hot tempered at times.. I want to be approachable. If either of us canít be honest with each other or feel we have to hide things then perhaps it is okay weíre separated for now.
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« Reply #7 on: Feb 08, 2018 01:03 am »

What seems important to me is that u are able to look at the events and relationship without judgement being in the present watching thoughts go by and gaining wisdom as to what the relationship has taught u and what u have gained from it rather then what u have lost from it. Most people blame others for their relationship with others instead of seeing why we attracted such circumstances to ourselves. They scarcely realize we are in a great school house called earth. We are here to learn from every experience that we have encountered.
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« Reply #8 on: Feb 14, 2018 06:46 am »

I have experienced what I thought to be nudges from Universe, encouraging me to engage more in this relationship with my ex. It may have been that the feelings were never truly reciprocated but I am beginning to think it doesn't matter. Today I learned from a wise man when you start to count the flaws on another you begin to lose the feeling of Love towards them. That's not what I'm talking about now though.... I remember Golden wing trinkets... Unique synchronicities, I found a journal she gifted me years ago before we ever moved in together... In it were my thoughts and recollections of our talks. I saw my excitement and my devotion. Maybe this is all the Universe had been encouraging me to the entire time. To my OWN capacity for these things. The Golden Wing, the lady bug... the moments we did share in PURE love. Let her be the Beloved. She helped awaken my Heart. The Universe also helped awaken my heart. MAYBE God is my Mistress. At one moment in time there was an interest, be it years ago... And so it was for the previous girls who still hold a special place in my heart. I've really only had three love interest growing up. Two of which weren't even a relationship- just moments shared... All three of which have left my life presently. Two of the three have completely blocked me... One had tried coming back and we were quickly compromised, there was no longer a yearning or desire just a counting of what should be owed or deserved, terrible miscommunication and miscalculation... Flaws were counted on both of us. My most recent doesn't want me to bring up the times we've shared, the times a fire was LIT... So while God exist in us, our mortal dualistic shells... It was God/Universe showing me the level of devotion, the moment of vulnerability and open heart, the depth of excitement and love that CAN BE... Universe continues to guide me now that these people are no longer in my life. I wish them well, wish to overcome my imbalances to see them again, smiling. Smiling for us all. It may never be in this life. Forgiveness is MUST in my life. So what if I place them back on pedestal... They are my friends. Even if we don't see each other this way now... I am not going to try another conventional relationship with any of them.. But I may still place the love I felt once in my heart for them back on the pedestal, place God there. These attractions are OK. And the Universe will guide me... Even if the Universe knows it is simply a lesson... A lesson to the TRUE Beloved.... Guiding me, teasing me, waking me up! I had a dream I had met my many wives(at least 7, 3 or 4 of which were meaningful connections)... Maybe they are somehow connected to this dream, these lessons... I am beginning to see YOU O Beloved, at the end of thy Journey... Still, beckoning me, hidden behind another! My Dear God, guiding me with your unspoken language acknowledging my inner world and yet you still play with me... We are getting closer Dear!
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« Reply #9 on: Mar 01, 2018 05:20 am »

We do meet people in our lives who can not and will not get beyond themselves as much as we may be drawn to them. There are also people who are just not rite. Their minds have been twisted and you will not get them to be socially reciprocal in relationships. They may hold grudges or grievances that go way beyond one life. Sometimes they expect way more from others then they themselves can give to a relationship and may retaliate when their expectations are not met. Then there are the bad pennies. Those individuals that always bring their own set of personal agendas that keep coming and going from our lives. You may attempt to help them by suggesting they try meditation but they already 'know' whats good for themselves and have a pungent for believing their minds just are not suited for such a venture in discipline. Their teacher must be the hard knocks of life for lives yet ahead.

We have made countless attachments and emotional connections due to our experiences with other humans on this earth plain. But few of us are willing or have begun the journey homeward by consciously recognizing the significance of our spiritual lessons. They ensue from all these contacts that will continue to emerge from our past. We activate past fondness for the entertainment we became to enjoy as a more lasting phenomena when in reality it was all a passing show provided by the cosmic director.

For an old soul their comes the recognition that the only people who end up staying with us throughout this incarnation are individuals with similar recognition of where they are going and what their true purpose is during this incarnation in this school house of life.
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« Reply #10 on: Mar 01, 2018 03:06 pm »

Lately I try not to worry about the other person but look at myself to see how I can improve and keep peace whenever presented a difficult relationship... like having more patience for my mother who deserves better. I donít think my ex was any of those things youíve described and the only people who I thought may have been like that Inunderstand it was only temporary situation, they eventually change as well as our perspective. All you can do is carry the love and share it to the best of your ability, not worrying so much about the other person.
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« Reply #11 on: Mar 01, 2018 03:52 pm »

Lately I try not to worry about the other person but look at myself to see how I can improve and keep peace whenever presented a difficult relationship... like having more patience for my mother who deserves better. I donít think my ex was any of those things youíve described and the only people who I thought may have been like that Inunderstand it was only temporary situation, they eventually change as well as our perspective. All you can do is carry the love and share it to the best of your ability, not worrying so much about the other person.

If u were able to see those relationships as temporary so quickly i will have to ✋ it to you Eric. Its taken me quite a while to work thru them! Everything we encounter changes are perspective...thus its purpose!
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« Reply #12 on: Mar 02, 2018 07:00 am »

Well Steve I admire the little hand icon.  Grin And your thoughts on purpose. In regards to my previous thoughts/post... Personally, it's not something that is easy It's something that is desired. I only hope should I run into an old acquaintance or even a previous lover that I carry nothing but a genuine peace, sympathy and understanding with me in our interactions together despite our differences. It seems now some of my once close friends have been propelled into their own journey and that's just fine since I know our relationship has endured many trials. There are also friends I have known my entire life and we consider each other good friends to this day. There are a few whom I've felt my heart take an interest in that have either been pushed away or they themselves have cut the relationship due to our different personalities and imbalances at a given moment. Since I still think about them and feel a glimpse of Love in my reflections I only hope now to focus on the goodness remaining and carry it into potential future interaction, even if the experience is an unpleasant one. Good news for me it may never happen. Grin  However... looking to my past I see how I've handled surprises versus how I wish to handle them. These two aren't always the same... It's how I've lost friends too... So this is why I wish to focus on the Love. God loves us even when we've turned our backs on him. Good parents are there for their child even when they do not get along... Love seems to rise above these matters... If you feel that goodness for these people, Love them to the best of your ability. Love and Forgiveness... Forgiveness and Understanding... Just a few of the things we may strive towards in our spiritual pursuits. 
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