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"Hey Jealousy" - Savikulpa Samadhi


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Author Topic: "Hey Jealousy" - Savikulpa Samadhi  (Read 38 times)
kingfisher111
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« on: Mar 14, 2019 08:25 am »

I'm listening to this song on repeat, by the Gin Blossoms.  I just, unintentionally set a fire in my oven and used a fire extinguisher for the first time.  5 times this week something upset my breathing in my apartment (weed, sage, pork, mysterious cassava wax(?), fire extinguisher non-toxic chemicals.... I had a trans female photographer as a guest the past 2 nights with a "STILL ALIVE" face tattoo under her left eye, one of my best friends (who I used to be convinced I would never be close friends with) is about to leave town, since experiencing, what seems to be, Savikulpa Samadhi for the first time a bit over a week ago I've gained 5-10 lbs and felt somehow more and less worldly at the same time....

Ramana Maharshi describes the range of those who come to him for darshan's experience as a range of spiritual preparedness... from those who meet him once and become Self-Realized from being in his presence, to those who are like a pot of milk (or water) already quite full, when it boils, it boils over... the karma/wordliness/mind "boils over"... that's been my past week or so... I'm just glad I didn't have to call the fire department...


My path to this state was the same emotion that brought me here, Envy.  I prefer the word Jealousy, but my therapist has convinced me in the past that you can only be jealous of losing what you have (or think you have), and envy is the desire for what you don't have (or don't think you have).  Those parentheticals are my addition.


I've had some very beautiful, painful and spiritual growth experiences around romance, unrequited romance, and Jealousy the past few years.  The latest "Drama" was very quick, encompassing, hallucinatory... the hopeless romantic part of me went up against the "good friend" part of me and "Spiritual" part of me... it felt incredible to have my heart chakra open wide again, upon meeting someone who I intuited had great potential as a Spiritual partner, but one of my best friends was also interested and met her a few days earlier.  This was such a beautiful monkey wrench to get thrown into my Mind's Matrix.  The ugly jealous part of my body and mind came out, then my mind felt embarrassed, then I apologized and tried to let go, then I felt more jealousy and desire to be "romantic", then the mind surrendered... then the mind surrendered more and more and more.... how much can one surrender to a desire?  As much as that desire is...

My mind's desire for a healthy, romantic relationship with a Spiritually fulfilling partner, might be the greatest desire my mind has.  So much so, that I'm not sure who I would if it happened.  So much so, more realistically, that no relationship could measure up.  So much so, I think it could only happen when I become the partner I seek.  Then I might meet some reflection/like-vibration-wavelength vibed Human...

The last time this happened, roughly, a year ago, I made a piece of art with the words "I AM THE LOVE I SEEK".  Love is a funny thing to seek, because it is who we are beneath the people we project it on (usually Mom & Dad, who we then project onto other people in different ways... most dramatically the Lover/Partner or hopeful Lover/Partner).

There's probably infinite variations of this dance, new ones appearing still (Tinder dating as hobby, etc.), that's just my reality in this body.

So... ups and downs... funny enough, the most successful relationship of my life also happened this past year, with someone who felt like a soulmate and met 90% of the criteria I would want in a partner.  But she had no connection to Spirituality, and the pot of boiled milk boiled over pretty well, so I broke up with her to let her do that at her own pace.  Our worldly wavelengths were pretty rarely matched, but that Spiritual thing is my #1 criteria for a partner, so it wasn't hard to let go of, once I recognized that. 

With this last girl, 2 weeks ago, and the ensuing drama in my mind, something else entirely happened... I wasn't rejected, every possibility is still there, but I just let go of all expectation, I was OK with my close friend dating her instead (even if he told me he wasn't that attracted to her).  Universe set up a perfect tee ball for me to hit a home run with, somehow.  I'm honestly not sure if I did anything, or if "I" ever do anything... isn't it all the Great I I I I I I I

I

?

God?

Moving through us... God animates everything... the "I" behind all minds, animating all... the I AM THAT I AM... I've been reading about this for years...  I met Brock through this site, and through him I found David Godman's book of Ramana Maharshi's teachings on Self Enquiry... Be As You Are

I also met Amma through knowing Steve through this site... her Darshan is one of the two encounters with a Realized "Human" I've experienced now (the other, Paramahamsa Prajnananda)... being in the presence of these Realized Masters takes the mind away, the great Self shines... perhaps this is some state of Samadhi... but what I experienced from letting go of the above described desire, fantasy, jealousy, etc. was something even greater... there are no words... and I am not Enlightened (though we all truly are Enlightened, underneath the cloudy vision of our foggy minds), but I did taste something Perfect, something so beautiful, I could see why Religions happen, why Cults happen... a state like this is truly priceless and could itself be the cure to all worldly problems... but what is it?  Just Love... Mindlessness... The goal of meditation... 

But I've been warned twice the past 2 weeks, "randomly", not to discuss states like this as they happen, as it could create Jealousy in others towards me. 

Also, if I focus on it too much, I worry I will make a "siddhi" out of it, forget the deeper Truth behind it all... WE ARE ONE... I AM THAT I AM (true for every being).... etc.

I am going ever deeper into my Spiritual search, studies, practice, journey... I'm also blasting rap and getting drunk at the club... I'm also fascinated by cult leaders who embody all of this...  I'm fascinated by hypocrisy, Human achievement, Human mistakes, music, art, movies, stories, Nature....

I'm allergic to normalcy, my Mind and Ego take credit for everything and like to throw obstacles IN THE WAY the Bliss that comes from going to the SOURCE of Mind and Ego and all Obstacles... or FEAR or LAZINESS or GLUTTONY or GREED... EGO has many ways


Most of this post has nothing to do with what it's really about (that's a koan?), but I hope you can feel the meaning past all the pomp and circumstance.  That's the Stillness in the Movement.  I hope you too can feel that Samadhi that comes from years (or seconds) of meditation, and even deeper, truer, more permanent States... 

Jealousy in the Way        leads to...
Mind in the Way                 leads to...
Samadhi in the Way                  leads to...


You

Love on the Path to Love

Truth Speaking Truth to Truth

Love Loving Love

Light Lighting Light

Light Lighting Light

You  Youing Me

Me Meing You

Us Us-ing Us

Universe Universing Universe

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love


Love Loving Love

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Steve Hydonus
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« Reply #1 on: Mar 15, 2019 05:20 pm »

Art

Thanks so much for an update on your life and some of things and then I have Been happening!!! I am still hoping to get to Austin to spend time with you. I asked my Dispatch to send me there The recently been mostly in Georgia Tennessee and Alabama. Do you have left much here to assimilate. Thanks!I have been very busy with work recently and spent some time with Namaste here in Nashville  Tennessee. As I was sent here on my job. I’ll respond more to your post as I have time to chew on it!
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« Reply #2 on: Mar 16, 2019 02:54 am »

Art Where did you come up with these lyrics?

Jealousy in the Way        leads to...
Mind in the Way                 leads to...
Samadhi in the Way                  leads to...


You

Love on the Path to Love

Truth Speaking Truth to Truth

Love Loving Love

Light Lighting Light

Light Lighting Light

You  Youing Me

Me Meing You

Us Us-ing Us

Universe Universing Universe

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love

Love Loving Love


Love Loving Love


« Last Edit: Mar 16, 2019 02:55 am by Steve Hydonus » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #3 on: Mar 17, 2019 07:15 pm »

Hello Art I find that your conclusions about what your therapist said are true in my life as well. I quote you here;

“My path to this state was the same emotion that brought me here, Envy.  I prefer the word Jealousy, but my therapist has convinced me in the past that you can only be jealous of losing what you have (or think you have), and envy is the desire for what you don't have (or don't think you have).  Those parentheticals are my addition.”

We talked on the phone the other nite. I have found in my own life that I encounter jealousy and envy on some level but for most of us it is manageable therefore it would not require therapy. There is ofcourse self therapy which occurs as a result of introspection and self analyses. These qualities manifest more and more on the spiritual journey.

One important ingredient I would add here however. Both jealousy and envy fall into the category of what most masters call desire. Desire is what manifests these bodies in the first place. Our bodies are an indication of desire manifest. If it were not for desire we would not be here unless ofcourse we were here to help other body bound souls release there bodies by shedding desire.

On the spiritual journey we more and more become witnesses to the play or Lila around us... just as we become witnesses to our own thoughts in meditation. In this sense we dissolve some of what you called boiling over in the somewhat rambling discourse (lol). And we may have a bubbling pot from time to time however we are quick to cool 😎 down due to our reactions being tempered through years and years of spiritual experiences and practicing.

In our encounters with worldly people we often find that we are on dissonate wavelengths and must move on with other people leaving them and reasserting our connection with spiritual connections.  🙏

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« Reply #4 on: Mar 19, 2019 11:20 pm »


We talked on the phone the other nite. I have found in my own life that I encounter jealousy and envy on some level but for most of us it is manageable therefore it would not require therapy. There is ofcourse self therapy which occurs as a result of introspection and self analyses. These qualities manifest more and more on the spiritual journey.

One important ingredient I would add here however. Both jealousy and envy fall into the category of what most masters call desire. Desire is what manifests these bodies in the first place. Our bodies are an indication of desire manifest. If it were not for desire we would not be here unless ofcourse we were here to help other body bound souls release there bodies by shedding desire.

On the spiritual journey we more and more become witnesses to the play or Lila around us... just as we become witnesses to our own thoughts in meditation. In this sense we dissolve some of what you called boiling over in the somewhat rambling discourse (lol). And we may have a bubbling pot from time to time however we are quick to cool 😎 down due to our reactions being tempered through years and years of spiritual experiences and practicing.

In our encounters with worldly people we often find that we are on dissonate wavelengths and must move on with other people leaving them and reasserting our connection with spiritual connections.  🙏


That's a great response Steve!  I agree with all of it.

**warning** more meandering rambling "tiresome words" ahead (lol)

Envy & Jealousy are both subsets of Desire, as are Greed, Lust and everything underneath Anger, Sadness & Apathy...

I'm really lucky to have found a deeply Spiritual therapist.  I rarely see him anymore, but when a major life event happens or every few months, he's a great person to touch base with, but in general, I "graduated" from needing to see him on a regular basis a year or so ago.  If anyone on here is ever looking for someone like this, who lives in Austin, let me know.  He's the best.

It's funny, the same thing that brought me here, brought me to meet him and so many things that have changed my life.  My old friend Jessica.  When she "ghosted" (disappear, ignore, etc.) me a few years ago (and would periodically reappear, apologize and disappear again), it triggered a great desire in me for connection.  My friendship with her, at the time, was the nearest and dearest I'd ever experienced, moreso than with previous long term girlfriends, so I felt abslotuely baffled and lost at being "ghosted" by her.  I've since learned whenever someone says or agrees "we will be friends for life" or "I love you" a bit too much, it is probable the relationship or friendship will be short lived...

Going back to my history with what brought me to seek a therapist, Jessica was part of the reason, but the actual catalyst was the depression that was caused by my foot getting seriously injured and losing my ability to walk for months (and then years to various degrees).  That combined with my history of insane relationships, a partially tumultuous childhood and complicated Guru & Spiritual Group ups and downs, led me to seek help from a therapist, and anywhere else I could find answers, peace & clarity.

Eric invited me here, but he didn't want to discuss Jessica or for me to directly message him at all.  When I pressed him on this, he told me he "didn't care about my pain", which is a painful memory my mind still returns to sometimes.  And yet, through this website I was led to the greatest Spiritual experiences of this lifetime so far.  One of which was meeting Amma, another the experience I described above in the OP. 

So the greater story here, it seems... is that desire brings suffering... but with attachment and identification with a body and mind, it's also guaranteed.  Psychologically, all of our mind's desires stem from our upbringing.  And even the most "perfect" upbringing and parents cannot prevent this.  It is physically impossible for a child to have all of it's needs met.  No matter what, some lack or overindulgence on the caretakers' part will cause an imbalance in the child's psyche, which will send the child on a lifelong "hero's journey" quest to resolve...

Example:  My dad was hyperanalytical, very cold and distant emotionally.  So, my baby brain didn't get the need met to be loved or feel safe from a very early age (<1 year old and up).  This has created a lifelong "need" or "desire" to be loved by people who have trouble showing emotion, who prefer to be distant a lot of the time, who are uncomfortable by touchy, feely, warmth, intimacy, etc. 

A book which expanded my view of this phenomenon is Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix.  It's a brilliant extension of Jung's theory of relationships, maybe a century ahead of it's time (or so I gather, based on most Humans' ignorance on the topic of why they fall in love with who they fall in love with, or what falling love even is).

So, we are born into a world that causes trauma, which creates a need for healing of the mind that was traumatized in some way...  before that, can a baby's need for safety and love even be called "desire"?  I don't think so.  No moreso than any adult Human's need for Breathe or Food or Sleep.   

So, adulthood happens and the Hero's Journey begins (as Joseph Campbell puts it).  What is the end of this journey?  According to Mr. Campbell, who coined the term, the end is a new beginning!  So the journey is cyclical!  Endless!

All that "desire" for closure, healing, growth, peace is natural... Sometimes the External Material World will grant it beyond our wildest dreams and other-times it will never come, not even a little bit from the Outside World.  If we get it from the outside in the form a new perfect friend or partner or a winning lottery ticket, what then? 

Ramana Maharshi basically said that when you get something in the Material World that give you Bliss, what is really happening is the Mind has FINALLY become silent, stopped it's chatterring and "desiring" and allowed the INHERENT UNDERLYING BLISS OF SELF to SHINE THROUGH... untill the chattering, desiring mind finds something else to focus on...

Ramana Maharshi also basically said that if life only gives us pain and suffering, this is a great blessing, as it leaves us no choice but to surrender to God, there is no desire to be attached to this External World of Suffering, and our longing for Peace will open our Hearts to God as Self.

What is this Desire?  Fulfilled or Unfulfilled?  What is this Pain?  This momentary Pleasure?  Who is having these experiences that pass in time like leaves blowing in the wind?

I love you Eric! 
I love you Steve!
I love you Brock!
I love you Jessica!
I love you Linda!
I love you L Ron Hubbard!
I love you Ramana Maharshi!
I love you Anandamayi Ma!
I love you Amma!
I love you Paramahansa Yogananda!
I love you Paramahansa Prajnanananda!
I love you All!

We are all the same thing, behind these temporary forms.  A single diamond of consciousness with a million million million million million million million reflecting sides in a mote of dust the infinity of oneness

I Am Is All
I Am
You Are
Is Is
One
I
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« Reply #5 on: Mar 20, 2019 06:06 am »

Thank you Art, I am sorry for having replied unkindly to you in the past. I can attest, life can be hell for a man so absorbed in himself. I'm happy reading your revelations and your forgiveness. Something a friend shared here..

To Liberation!
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peace ~ <3
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« Reply #6 on: Mar 20, 2019 11:42 am »

Thank you Eric.  Your gentleness and friendliness are deeply appreciated.

To Freedom!

(:
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« Reply #7 on: Mar 25, 2019 05:31 am »

Thanks for the bit of free association here Art-guided by your personal observations. It is comforting to know that someone has found some place to express their emotions while at the same time treating us to so many wisdoms gained. Everyday arises with something to learn and grow from. However we are spared many of our own sufferings if we can learn from the personal experiences of others. Without compassion it is difficult to vicariously gain wisdom from the experience of those who come into our orbit. It works the other way as well; Without giving time to the sufferings of others and making an effort to both listen and understand, it is difficult to gain compassion, which is a necessary ingredient in spiritual evolution and and expansion.
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« Reply #8 on: Mar 27, 2019 03:07 am »

Well put Steve.

I've been reading and listening to lots of others' stories on their path to awakening, and it all must be helpful, including what everyone has shared on here.  So thank you!

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